| High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art |
[05 Jun 2006|12:50am] |
So it's done for good. Steve and I are no longer anything. I want to be his friend, but he acts differently towards me. I don't believe it's good for him to talk to me, to hear from me, and I don't think it's doing me any good either. It hurts a lot right now, just knowing that nothing can ever come. But I know it is the right decision. It will help both of us in the end.
I'm glad that he didn't give up after that third day when I told him it was over already. I knew that it was going to be hard later, that we wouldn't be able to be together and it would be better to end it then. But I was wrong, he's grown and learned so much. He's become such a stronger person because of everything we've been through. I've learned too I'm sure, but just in less obvious ways.
If the Lord dresses the grass the way he does, with lillies. He will dress me better than I can even imagine.
Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.
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[01 May 2006|10:04pm] |
jodi said it best.
sunrisexsunset3 (10:02:25 PM): i'm like so unhappy i can't even feel sad
Skatingpantz8713 (10:04:11 PM): numbish?
sunrisexsunset3 (10:04:22 PM): i suppose.
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[01 May 2006|09:38pm] |
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I'm unhappy. Work isn't good. I feel like i'm in a terrible relationship with someone and they're breaking up with me soon. Sarah is distant, there isn't a phone in my hands, and I'm an overpaid barista at the msu union. I'm not loving anyone. I'm moving in a week, cannot wait. But as for now, i want to hiude in my room and just listen to damien rice and cry. how emotional is that? I wish i got it myself.
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[26 Apr 2006|09:41pm] |
I'm moving out May 8th. I just lost my phone and have decided that I'm just going to wing it until Mo gets me my new one soon. It should probably be tomorrow but it definately wont be, let me tell you.
I'm glad to finally move out. I'll be getting away from that house. Maybe new memories. In my new house, my last apartment was weird because steve had lived their previously. But this will be mine, there will be no pizza nights, no ice cream walks to the dock. It will be all mine, and all new. I'm dying. I cannot wait, it simply cannot come soon enough.
I have tomorrow off, I'm going to watch a movie tonight. They hopefully, get up kind of early and look for furniture. Deals. I have a couple of things that people would give to me, but like I told Cort, people aren't going to be giving up their dope furniture.
I think I'm in love. But it's not like that will change tomorrow. I will never understand it. And frankly, I'm over trying to do so.
Denise isn't coming back until June or July =/ I will be gone for a while in June or July, I have to take my definition. And quite frankly. I dont want to be here when Steve comes back. I'm not going to lie, it isn't my nature.
Life. Is Mine To Live. and I Love It <3
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[20 Apr 2006|11:46pm] |
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i'm with jodi and i'm gassy =/
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[18 Apr 2006|12:49am] |
A lot of things are on my mind!
Mate can be brewed cold! I'm in love with this tea <3
Denise needs to come home because I miss the crap out of her.
Katie and I are on complete opposites of life right now
Jodi broke up with Josh. And I actually believe she will stick with it this time
Cortney and Nicole are stressing me out. I hope things work out.
I feel horrible for the kid that bought my phone on ebay b/c paypal hates me
tomorrow quite possibly could be amazing.
i can't wait to move.
I need furniture. cheap. now. forever and ever
how am i going to get everything i need for my apartment
will cortney and jodi buy lots of stuff too?
how do you sort those sort of things out.
myspace . hugging strange men. *hugs* . i love dateline
And i'm totally crushing!!!!!!!!!!!!
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[15 Apr 2006|03:55pm] |
I got my taxes done. finally.
freaking. all i want to do tonight is stay at home and be happy, and alone. but it wont happen. nicole is having a bon fire, cortney is there. jodi isn't out of work. and i dont know what to do. this guy wants me to go to a concert. maybe i should? I dont know. he wont be there. it's at the metrospace scene place. could be cool, i've never been to a show there, other than an art show. maybe it's what i need. i need something new ah.
so. my boss just asked me to come in and i told her i was far away. i feel bad. but i just cannot go to work anymore today. enough is enough right?
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[13 Apr 2006|12:07am] |
So I'm moving out. Dover's Crossing. I'm not sure how this is going down, but i need house warming presents from all of you. I love kitchen utensils <3 I need a garlic press for sure. <3 thanks
May 8th is when its happening. and it can not come sooner, let me tell you. I need to get out of my house. I'm worried about money, but it's all going to do just fine, i know that. I'm amazing. blah blah blah.
Let me tell you how much my boss loves me. she's taking me to get my taxes done all professionally, and she's paying for them. i love her. man. i can't ever get another job, i will never find a better boss.
I miss denise. she is sane. and helps me keep sane/. okay so i know she is pretty crazy, but she makes good decisions and has a good head on her shoulders, and has faith in the future. and i need her back home. AH. i'm definately going crazy.
i love cortney. man. she looks so good in blue.
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[02 Apr 2006|11:13pm] |
It hurts to see my dad drunk. he's my favorite person, but when he's drunk it's like he's never loved me before. like when someone has amnesia and they can't remember you at all, except they intentionally lost their memory, it didn't happen by chance, it happened by choice.
Today. let me tell you was horrible. mohamed yelled at me because i trained three people at once, when all i did was exactly what sarah told me to do. i don't understand. i knew it was wrong, but she asked me to do it. so i figured he knew. so now he's like, dissapointed in me or something. great.
i just bought the best phone in the world. i am officially a BAMF and i have to get rid of it. Mohamed offered to get me a phone, but that means i have to get rid of my brand new cute one, and get a nextel. ugh. but i mean. a free phone, is wonderful. i just wish i could keep mine and he would just like, pay my bill or something. but beggars can't be choosers. right?
so now i'm in store 2 all alone. nothing to do. no one to talk to. not by chance, by choice. cortney and nicole wanted to hang out, but sometimes it's weird hanging out with the two of them. just feel like i'm out of place. like. it'd be better if it was just them. i know it isn't true. just how it feels.
i feel like nothing is going my way. i want to go back to school. and i want to date, and not date guys that don't tell me how they feel. i'm sort of sick of falling in love everyday. it isn't real, just something to pass the time. but i feel as if i'm always just trying to pass the time and i kind of can't stand it anymore. this is all just emotional babble.
I wish denise was back. she was always there for me. she listened to me. she knew what she wanted, she said what she wanted. she told me how she felt. i feel like i'm just playing thw guessing game all of the time with everyone. and i just wish i knew what was going on, even just some of the time. i always feel anxious. like i have to choose what to do, when i know that whatever i choose, if someone is unhappy with it, they'll just pretend and i'll never know. i just wish that people say what was on their mind. said what they felt, and just had more confidence in their choices. b/c i can't do it anymore.
Yeah. that's right. I'm freaking out.
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[28 Mar 2006|05:53pm] |
so i feel as if nothing i say is valid. maybe i talk too much? but no one cares. and i guess that isn't true they hear it, they feel it, but they just can't bear to put it into action. it's like i've planmted a seed of thought, but it just takes time. and i'm impatient.
i feel like i'm trapped in my own head. i analye everything all of the time. and i freak out. in my head. but i try so hard to just be chill and let things flow. i need to be incontrol, or at least know if there is a situation to control. or whats going on, if anything. why is that so difficult. why doesw that feeling feel so far out of reach i know i'll be fine , that i have peace. i just need to remember that it's going to be fine. that no matter how many times i go over something in my head, it is exaqctly the same. things take time, and i have to give into that idea. and just chill and wait and hanjg out. and flow , be mello.
AH! i'm like. a walking contridiction. but i know what i wanna be. and that's all that matters.
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[28 Mar 2006|05:26pm] |
so i love panera bread. i love that i bought $30 in groceries, dropped them off at home, then hit the road and came here. <3 but sometimes, you just don't feel like cooking.. you know.
today was my day off. i loved it. i say it past tense, because it's almost over. these 5:30 wake up calls are definately where it isn't at.
I. went out with Luke last night, it was awkward. don't know if it's because he's shy and tired, or because he doesn't like me. but i guess if he calls me, i'll know right? whatev!. ha. whatev. that;s so lame and i know it but sometimes you've just gotta say it.
i need a super simple pesto recipe so i can make it for myself.
um. life is good. i'm missing denise. she's been gone forever! other than that. a little guy confused. but happy to be confused about anything.
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[27 Mar 2006|05:09pm] |
today. i rolled down my windows and blaster pat benetar. i was like..
"Hit me wiith your best shot, fire away!"
and it felt good.
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[27 Mar 2006|03:22pm] |
k so i'm totally confused. guys just. uh. you guys are definately more confusing then girls are.! let me tell you. b/c i asked this guy to have dinner tonight, like just casual. lets eat near each other and maybe share a story or two. and he completely freaked me out by asking if it was a date of a friend thing. now. i'm like... um. friend. but is he telling me it could be either, or making sure it's a just friends things, b/c he thinks i may like him and he doesn't want me to. oh i just don't know and want to make it as comfortable as possible. i'm not good with awkward moments. and i just wanna have fun-nah! really, it's just nice to make new friends and i dont want to ruin it.
well. i'm off of work and excited b/c i don't have to work tomorrow and i the world is at my fingertips.
i want coffee. <3 it makes me happy.
i made stir fry. it's my new thing. it's payroll monday. that means i get paid on friday . finally. money. and my new raise will be on there! i'm loving it.
denise is gone and i miss her. and katie is driving me crazy. she just always brings up everything negative. like no matter what,. it never fails. if you say something, something negative just comes right back in her face. it's just tiring after a while.
i've been reading the bible a lot more. and i went to luke's church, it was nice. i've been there before. it's call riverview. i liked it. the people are close those, so it's hard to wedge yourself in there. but they brought up good points. i went home wondering. and that's what i want out of a church. now i just wonder about their outreachness..
i might be going to chipolte tonight. i'm hoping there's some good veggie food. b/c i would be all about that.
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[11 Mar 2006|08:20pm] |
SO. I've spent my entire life at the union this spring break, let me tell you. i love it there. if i can spend 30 hours there completely alone and still want to come back, i'm on to something good there. the kids are all coming back and i hope they let me keep that store in tip top shape, because i want to show sarah that i can run a store. Farhad, is leaving. thank God! that man. last nevre. he was definately on it. mine. for sure.
I'm going to have them do side jobs and stuff. and be happy. and label things correctly. and it's going to be a happy little clean properly labeled store. <3
I'm at store 140. and this store isn't funny. i need to spend more time here. that's for sure. i'd say it's doing the worst out of all of my other stores. and it's probably because i stay away from it all the time. who knows.
i think i love the fray. man they're good.
cortney, jodi, and i are hanging out at beaners. it's fun. i haven't downloaded new music in forever and my ipod is up for a change. that's for sure. so i got my plate for my car and it isn't a double. i'm angry. but whatever. i think i can get over this tragedy. even though it is indeed, a tragedy.
Ann Arbor is sounding nice right about now.
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[10 Mar 2006|04:37pm] |
So i haven't done this in a while. have you heard the pussycat dolls new release? oh my. i dont know what has been going on in the music world, but i guess i've missed a thang or two..
i went to canada. it was fun. expensive. but fun. i got a ticket and i all have to fight it, its horrible. but i love it. katie cortney jodi and nicole, you guys were amazing. i had so much fun. we must do that again. and i'm sure we alll will the next time we all randomly have a day off together <3
i also love the union. and have been there every day this week by myself for 8 hours. okay so that was starting yesterday. but it doesn't end until sunday. it's long. and we've only made like $150 in eight hours. what's the point? they have to pay that back to me in labor. so i dont get it. but i have done nothing but clean
i'm becoming scary at work and i love it. they're starting to worry if i'm coming in and they're doing things systematically now. i love it. i can see change in all of my stores and it feels great. awesome actually.
so tonight. you me. the movies. or more like. jodi cortney dean and i add some failur to launch in there and you've got my night. i'm all about this movie. let me tell you.
i went to p.f. changs last night. oh my. i've never enjoyed $16 worth of food like i did last night. mmhmm good.
i want to go back tonight. but i'll control myself. unlike ll cool j's new song.
oh i love nicole. and i'm glad she moved back home and is in my life again. oh man let me tell you. it's nice to have real friends around. not afraid to just be themselves and all that good stuff. .... run into my hand.
so that's my life. and why aren't you in this post? only you can prevent forest fires.
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[19 Feb 2006|08:53pm] |
So everything with my car worked out, thanks to angie actually. she made me feel a lot better.she's one of those people that isn't always around, but you never want them to stay away forever.
anyways. i've been to Ann Arbor a lot lately twice in two days. jodi and i went last night, it was awesome. i love hanging out with her, she's up for anything and is always there when i need her, she's been a great help lately with everything that has been going on. mm jodi beach, gotta love her <3 we did the exact same things there that we would have in east lansing any day of the week, but what's better than driving somewhere far away, just to do the usual. not so usual then.
katie and i went today it was fun. we went to this cute bistroish place and i got the best chicken pesto sandwich, pesto holds a definate place in my <3.
i haven't seen dominic in forever. but he does this. kind of stays away and hangs out with others for a while. i'm used to it. i've called and called. and sometim es we chat for a minute or two. but there aren't call backs. and there are never plans. i love him anyways. just wish this wasn't what always happened to us. sometimes just feels like i'm the boring fall back plan from time to time or something. but whatever. things always work out.
this week. i've got to work 47 hours! AH! It'll be hectic. but i'm sure i'll get through it just fine. hopefully jodi comes and visits that will make time go by much faster.
well. that's what i've been up to. stay tuned.
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[15 Feb 2006|10:35pm] |
so i'm in the worst mood. this table i'm sitting at, is 2 inches too high so my wrist don't lay properly. im not happy.
i bought a car. and i had to get a loan. so i have to have full coverage so it's going to be around $300. so i'm unhappy. and have a new car. i can't pick it up until i have insurance/. and i can't get insurance if it's too expensive. and i can't move out. and i can't do anything b/c i have to pay for a new car and full coverage. and i'm unhapppy./ doing this all alone. not a student./ not getting a raise. until i "work harder" not seeing any of my friends. no one is ever there for me. no one ever answers their phone. or calls me. or cares. besides jodi and honestly. i dont know what i would do if jodi wasn't here for me. and i'm downloading incubus and outcast at the same time. i love it.
honestly. this is the storm before the clearing. but i'm not excited to be doing this all on my own. i wish i had parents who trusted me. or cared. or helped. or ever put my before them, even in my time of need.
my life is rocking. i have a new car and even though i can't drive it yet. on day. oh believe you me. one day i will. until then. i'll be eating a lot of beaners food and spending a lot less time at home....
gotta love life. take those lemons and make some lemonade.
whatever tomorrow brings i'll be there.. with open arms and open eyes yeah.
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[01 Feb 2006|01:36pm] |
I'm at flat's right now, i completely forgot that they had wifi. or should i say, why fry. ha. i love this place. <3
I just worked at the union and i'm headed to store 4 in just a few, i came online to look up apartments and stuff. trapper's cove? i like their floor plans. but i don't know why their apartments look like. i'm going to see if jodi wants to take a look at them on monday or something.
so. friday is pay day <3 i'm in love with every other friday.
i'm tired. i wont lie. i'm so confuse in my head. there are so many hours to work. and it's like a puzzle trying to put them together as easy as possible. poseeblay. that's what it sounds like in spanish. poss-see-blay.
Monday: 8-2
Tuesday: 9:30- 12:20
Wed: 8-1 2-3:30
=15.5 Hours. I need 24.5 More!
I still need to work one more shift tomorrow at the union. and train a girl at the union tool. plus.. eat lunch. Lets see
Tomorrow, I could work from 8 until 12. have her come at 12, fill out paperwork. ah nevermind. i'll do this all in my head later.
um. i'm dying over here!!
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[19 Jan 2006|10:19pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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So. I'm lost. i'm figuring things out, but i feel like i'm putting a lot on the line right now. it's like. i'm not comfortable in my own skin or something, but i am, so it's like an illusion, and i'm the only one believing it. maybe i'm axious. and by that i mean, clinically suffering from anxiety? just lately. it's almost as if my everyday is put on hold while i try to deal with the lift or death situation of taking grand river to michigan ave and just going all the way down mt. hope. silly things, completely trivial, and they're messing with me. i don't know. maybe it's alone time, maybe i need more of it. but i feel the more alone time i have, the more of a recluse i will mold into. can that happen? can you become recluse, or do you think you're just born with such a characteristic? i don't know. i feel as if i'm not living life like i should be.
i've bought so much stuff in the past few days, it's kind of sad. but it isn't like i can't afford it. i don't know. my lj is so not filtered, it's raw. i just type and the words flow out of my mind, and i'm not sure what to think about that. this isn't how i always am, just right now, just this point in time.
i guess i'm just in a daze and it will soon pass, maybe it's that i've been sick for 5 days, so everything is a little cloudy. or over analyzed.
i'm not sure why i can so easily be comfortable with others, but it never seems to be the case with others when i first meet them
you should probably just ignore this whole entry. i should probably delete it. but whats the point in that?
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